Plenty of Carp in the Sea.

Anyone who’s ever had an active online dating profile can attest to the fact that it can be incredibly painful to meet decent people. Trying to get past all the creeps to find the good ones, it almost seems impossible sometimes.

To be completely fair, I met my boyfriend on POF, and he was a big exception to the usual people on there – and he tells me that I was the same for him. When I was still using the site, I started a note on Facebook called “The Plenty of Fish Chronicles” which shared many of the messages I received, as well as my responses (when I bothered to). This note was shared with my boyfriend when we were talking about our experiences with the site, and he just happened to have a copy saved in his inbox. Of course, it’s perfect blog fodder!

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After about 3 months on Plenty of Fish… and not my first time attempting to use this place as a vehicle for meeting new folks (I must say, more success in the past really) I’ve decided to start keeping a running note of some of the emails I get… Nigel, I’m totally ripping off your idea, except I get to exploit a whole other area of stupidity.
 
I won’t even bother with 99% of the “hi”, “hello”, “how r u”, “wanna chat” ones I get. Most aren’t worth sharing anyway. I get more of those than I can possibly count though. Shame the site has deleted some of the older ones… there were a few doozies, including a quasi-celebrity. Sted’s Dead formerly from Bunchofuckingoofs is a POF resident… and more than a few fries short of a Happy Meal. As it turns out, several people I’ve met know the guy, and wholeheartedly agree. Spunnnn…
 
Right. So, on with it. I will add to this as time goes on. I may stay on the site for this sole purpose!
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From: rain_monkey (View Profile)  (View All Correspondence)
Subject: a note from ME      Sent Date: 3/12/2011 11:12:40 AM
 
Your profile pic makes me want to spooge.
Reply   |   Delete  
 
>>> Of course – I had to respond before hitting block, cause that’s how I roll.    
 
To: rain_monkey (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:a note from ME      Sent Date: 3/12/2011 1:16:55 PM
 
Good for you. Now, maybe you oughta look into solutions for that extra-itchy trigger. 😛
Reply   |   Delete      ____________________________________________________________From: drjohnanthony (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Pelnty Of Fish Message      Sent Date: 3/13/2011 11:59:20 AM
 
   Hi
 
good profile. Instead of meeting for coffee,how about coming here and. do some recording. If you are hesitate the first time, bring a friend with. I have my recording studio in my livingroom. You might want to bring a blank CD or a USB data stickwith you in case you want to save anything you do here to take back with you.
 
John
 
 
The following images were attached to this message.
 
I shall spare sharing the images – though my friend described him as looking like Clyde Batty from The Hilarious House of Frightenstein… and was actually correct! Also – he misspelled the site name in his subject line. Not a great sign. He’s actually the second guy who’s invited me to his house to “make music”.
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The ongoing saga of HansBlitzkrieg… why have I not blocked him? I suppose since he’s not been abusive… and because I’m wondering just how many times he’ll message with nonresponse… it’s kind of like the definition of insanity….

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From: HansBlitzkrieg (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 2/27/2011 12:44:16 PM
 
Hallo
Reply   |   Delete
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From: HansBlitzkrieg (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/1/2011 9:47:40 AM
 
how s it going?
Reply   |   Delete
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From: HansBlitzkrieg (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/10/2011 2:47:44 PM
 
hallo
Reply   |   Delete       Block User | Users I blocked
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From: HansBlitzkrieg (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/11/2011 1:28:52 PM
 
howdy
Reply   |   Delete       Block User | Users I blocked
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From: HansBlitzkrieg (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/13/2011 12:09:30 PM
 
howdy
Reply   |   Delete       Block User | Users I blocked
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From: HansBlitzkrieg (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/13/2011 12:23:47 PM
 
very pretty eyes >>>I will give him credit for at least attempting to be charming here… but ummmm still couldn’t bring myself to respond.
Reply   |   Delete
 
 
What can I say? I’m easily entertained.
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From: markus_1166 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 2/25/2011 9:27:18 AM
 
enjoyed reading your profile…. we might not be a match but i hope you have a rocking good time fishing at that murky pond of
plenty,
 
M
Reply   |   Delete  
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From: markus_1166 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/5/2011 4:21:51 AM
 
   we might not be a match but i enjoyed reading your profile….
you seam to be refreshingly normal among all those other PoF zombies on here.
 
hope you find ur little gold fishy
Reply   |   Delete      
 
 
Really?  You took the time to write me TWICE to tell me we’re not a match? I wouldn’t even do that once.
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From: ded38 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 2/26/2011 2:35:25 PM
 
hi how are you doing ? i like that you like metal and tatoos you sould drop me a line and maybe we can go for a coffee
Reply   |   Delete  
 
>>>> profile pic change – presto-change-o – new girl! >>>>>>>
 
From: ded38 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/12/2011 5:58:53 PM
 
hi how are you doing? i read your profill and think that we have somethings incomen. i like heavy matel music and i aloso have tat’s if your intorested drop me a line
Reply   |   Delete  
 
^^^ Holy fuckin’ grammar issues Batman! Plus… the fact I change my profile pic and he writes again? haha I’d love to say this doesn’t happen often – but that would be a lie. It confuses boys when the thumbnail changes.
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From: davitocode (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 2/28/2011 7:08:44 PM
 
   hey nice pics u gat there i would like to meet u, inbox me
Reply   |   Delete 
 
Really… this spelling/grammar issue, is it THAT  widespread?
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From: errol1983 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/4/2011 8:17:19 PM
 
hi there i like you:)
Reply   |   Delete      
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From: errol1983 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/5/2011 12:54:38 AM
 
hi there how are you, i don’t know how much we may or may not have in common but i must say that
i like your style & would like very much to get to know you:)
Reply   |   Delete      
 
Now… this one at least tried to elaborate in his second message – which would normally make me at least consider writing back – til I saw how vacant his profile is.
 
I like good wine, women and long walks.
Enjoy hiking, golf, hanging out with friends.
late strole
having fun
like jazz, do enjoy hip hop r&b would do anything to make a woman feel comfor table>>
 
Also… no pic. I hate that, not because of shallow reasons, but because I wonder what they have to hide that they don’t want their face on a dating website. Again, spelling/grammar.
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From: Britlimey (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/9/2011 11:39:12 AM
 
Apparently you are a match for me. Hmmm. Well if you – let’s chat and see where it goes.
Reply   |   Delete  
 
POF does “matches” based on proximity in location. Plus… “if you…” what??
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From: greenishparty (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/11/2011 6:11:58 AM
 
hey fishie still up.. i heard fish dont sleep
Reply   |   Delete 
 
I’d laugh… if it was actually funny.  ____________________________________________________________
From: apropos (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hey PG      Sent Date: 3/11/2011 11:36:16 PM
 
I LOVE THE PIXIES…but, I am all over the place.
 
 
Kevin
Reply   |   Delete 
 
So ummm… note to self, avoid usernames that could be make people think I’ve named myself after a band (PixieGurrl is my username). I love the Pixies but not enough to base a username on it. Apparently some people don’t know the word HAS another meaning? This is one of at least 10 I’ve had that were similar.

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From: thejitterygrasshopper (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Nible nible PULL      Sent Date: 3/12/2011 11:18:51 AM
 
   Look at those EYES
Reply   |   Delete      
 
Thanks for the compliment but WTF does that subject line mean… PULL WHAT?? Plus, how the hell do you misspell “nibble”??
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From: 1973hot (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/12/2011 2:16:17 PM
 
hi i not know what to say but love your tattoos,piercings?i have two tattos, and one piercing?:)
Reply   |   Delete      
 
Again… *sigh* GRAMMAR, PEOPLE!
 
Also – hot? Unless the “Elmer Fudd” with a goatee look is in right now (or he’s running a fever) I’d say that name is false advertising.   
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  This one, I decided to at least respond to. I know my profile is kinda long – it actually deters a lot of stupid people from messaging when they see I have a brain. 
From: brcburner (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: line being dropped      Sent Date: 3/12/2011 2:24:15 PM
 
i admit i didnt read it all but the artistic part got my ……………………………………………………………………………….
 
To: brcburner (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:line being dropped      Sent Date: 3/12/2011 2:33:11 PM
 
Haha..it’s okay if you didn’t read it all. Truth is I’d rather make it so people have lots of info to go on when they say hello, it’s their choice what they want to absorb.
Reply   |   Delete      
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 From: brcburner (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:RE:line being dropped      Sent Date: 3/12/2011 2:34:52 PM
 
 
Original Message YOU sent on 3/12/2011 11:33:11 AM
 
Haha..it’s okay if you didn’t read it all. Truth is I’d rather make it so people have lots of info to go on when they say hello, it’s their choice what they want to absorb.
 
 
coffee on saturday afternoon?
Reply   |   Delete      
 
Holy fuck. Eager much??
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From: codsdad (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/13/2011 12:44:29 AM
 
   hi
Reply   |   Delete      
 
I only include this rather stellar message because this guy is 52 years old. I might add – I get a LOT of messages from guys this age range and older. Time to filter emails I suppose.
 
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From: canguy40 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: hello      Sent Date: 3/13/2011 1:10:54 AM
 
wow your music tastes are awsome im blown away at the level of orgazmic music you have interest in
Reply   |   Delete  
 
Glad you like my taste in music buddy – but if you can’t spell orgasmic, I think we have a problem here… and again… GRAMMAR. (grrrrr)   
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From: samm 1 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/13/2011 1:17:42 PM
 
nice beautifull pics.and u dont look 37.way younger.keep up the good work.
Reply   |   Delete 
 
“Keep up the good work”?? Umm… I’m fortunate I don’t generally get pegged for my actual age but I don’t think I should be given credit for my genetics. Need I say it again? Gra…
 
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Okay… so this guy and I have been talking for quite some time. I suppose he has his own weird charm… sometimes I respond, sometimes not. Sadly some of his funnier messages went with POF’s auto-cleanout.
 
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From: haggis 007 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:RE:Hi      Sent Date: 2/26/2011 12:10:09 AM
 
Rammstein…on the floor..bring on the fire!
Reply   |   Delete  
 
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To: haggis 007 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:RE:RE:Hi      Sent Date: 2/27/2011 3:36:13 PM
 
LOL yeah I can’t afford tickets.
 
Won’t have money til taxes are done, by then all the good tix will be gone. Such is my life.
Reply   |   Delete      
 
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From: haggis 007 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:RE:RE:RE:Hi      Sent Date: 2/27/2011 4:42:10 PM   
 
Will be re-enacting the XXX movie beginning…bouncing on the floor…watching the Till Hammer!
Reply   |   Delete      
 
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From: haggis 007 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Wish Fulfillment      Sent Date: 3/2/2011 2:01:50 PM
 
Should have bought 2 tickets to Rammstein…but you would have been so grateful..you would have ravished me in the back of my car…and that would have been awkward…lol
Reply   |   Delete  
 
 
Honestly… this guy just randomly pops up and talks shite – but he’s entertaining. The funniest one I got from him has been deleted, saying he had a guy want to masturbate for him on cam… then adds “I finished getting off, then I said “no more!” and blocked him.” Priceless.
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From:  Like_to_race       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: bands  Sent Date: 3/14/2011 1:26:07 PM
 
Hi would love to chat with later just at work now your profile  took up my hole lunch lol just love all the music you listen to you must  be a htz fm listener like me bye for now hope to chat with you later
 
 
Reply   |   Delete  
 
It took his full lunch? His “hole” lunch? Is he ice fishing?
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From: Excel_2000 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi      Sent Date: 3/20/2011 5:33:38 PM
 
   I would love to dom you!
 
To: Excel_2000 (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:Hi      Sent Date: 3/20/2011 5:51:43 PM
 
   I doubt you have the cajones.
 
‘Nuff said.
 
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Some people do not take hints well. Some don’t take them at all.
 
 
From:  ixtharion       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi  Sent Date: 3/20/2011 5:31:48 PM
 
writing and horror movies… I.M> me
 
Reply   |   Delete  
 
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From:  ixtharion       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: epistemological wonder (POF that is)  Sent Date: 3/20/2011 5:46:26 PM
 
  know the drummer for Monster Voodoo Machine Stacy hoskins, he went to high school with me.
 
http://www.lilleypress.com/wow/012008F3.php
 
a story i published you might like.
I think your cool message me
ix
 
Reply   |   Delete
 
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Thus far, ignored him… cause #1 he talks about being a published writer but his grammar is HORRIFIC… erm, liar perhaps? And then…
 
 
From:  ixtharion       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE message me  Sent Date: 3/20/2011 8:08:47 PM
 
 
oh well, it was worth shot, have a good night
 
 
Reply   |   Delete  
 
Right. So the lesson here is… if a girl doesn’t answer you, try and try again. Then when she still ignores you, you point out that you tried.
 
 
(one more addendum!)
 
 
Dear PixieGurrl,
 
 
Ixtharion wants to meet you!  Click below to view profile of Ixtharion:
 
http://www.plentyoffish.com/member6802981.htm
 
 
Cause ummm yeah… I had NO clue. Thanks for clarifying that, dude.
 
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 From: NickInTheHammer       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi 3/23/2011 1:07:27 AM 
 
 
                ever had two men at once? you’re gorgeous.
 
DeleteReply
 
 
Holy fuck. What ever happened to “Hey, how are you?” ((shudder)) Here’s the funny part. The guy was too much of a coward to even let me reply – he blocked me right after he sent that. Douchebag.
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From: FitDivaLover       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi 3/24/2011 8:47:55 AM 
 
 
                i love hot pink hair, you hav a stunning face.. we should chat babe
 
DeleteReply
 
 
Yeah, like… totally. I’ll get right on that… cuz calling a complete stranger “babe” is obviously the best way to make her like you!
 ____________________________________________________________
 
 From: XXX_Dan_XXX       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Hi 3/24/2011 6:38:21 PM 
 
 
 
                i like your cool tattoo and your red hair mmmmmmmm u look like u like to have fun me too
 
DeleteReply
 
 
This guy actually seemed kinda funny by his profile but the “mmmmmmmmm” is a huge dealbreaker for me. I HATE guys who do that in chat or email. UGH.
 ____________________________________________________________
 
This one just falls under “wow”. Clyde Batty decided to write me again today.
 
 
From: drjohnanthony       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: Pelnty Of Fish Message 3/24/2011 8:49:38 PM 
 
 
                Hey what does  BBW mean for body type. (as if I’ll get an answer).
 
And why do you view me over and over again yet you won’t message me or answer my messages?  why?
 
What is it with you people?
 
 
The following images were attached to this message.
 
Again, I shall spare you the images. There is one in my mobile uploads for anyone curious (or brave enough) to look. I decided I needed to respond to this. My reason for not writing him back was because a man I’ve never even chatted with randomly suggested I come to his house – and that’s just plain creepy.
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 To: drjohnanthony       (View Profile)    (View All Correspondence)
Subject: RE:Pelnty Of Fish Message 3/24/2011 11:24:37 PM 
 
 
                 Okay, first of all… “you people”? What on earth do you mean by  that? Actually, never mind, I don’t want to know. I viewed you only  once, the day you messaged me, that was all. Plenty of Fish (not Pelnty)  shuffles the people who’ve viewed you… if you bothered to read, it  says they viewed you at some time, not in the particular order they  appear in. I tend to read people’s profiles to see if I feel like I’d  have anything in common with them, if not I won’t waste their time (or  my own for that matter). That was why I originally viewed you – and  realized there is something seriously wrong with your social skills.
 
Two words about your profile: GRAMMAR & SPELLING.
 
Quite  frankly, you are way too old for me. Yep, I went there. Not only that,  but it’s incredibly creepy to invite women to your house before you’ve  even chatted with them. You say you are here looking for friends, but  your list of “likes” is all things that have to do with sexual  attraction, and you make a lot of references to it in your profile too.  I’ve spent enough time on this site to read between the lines and what  your profile spells is “HORNY OLD MAN”.
 
Oh and bbw = big  beautiful woman. I seriously doubt that I outweigh you, but perhaps you  don’t like big girls cause they intimidate you? Heard of google? Try it  sometime, it’s awesomesauce. You can do it… B…B…W…
 
Oh and  tooting your own horn about your music? Serious douchebaggery right  there.Also… I don’t think any man who dresses like Clyde Batty from  The Hilarious House of Frightenstein should be critiquing anyone’s  appearance.
 
 
There, you happy? I replied. I’m blocking you  now because I’ve got no patience for being asked why I don’t message  back. I didn’t message you back because I’M NOT INTERESTED. Genius. You  asked, you got it. GOOD LUCK on here, I do believe you’ll need it.
 
DeleteReply Block User | Users I blocked
 
BLOCKED. Stupid mf.
 
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This one needed replying to – for obvious reasons.
 
 
Subject: Hi
From: monwantu
Sent Date: 5/10/2011 1:38:57 AM
Chat with monwantu
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
Yo wanna talk I’m Kay
Reply   |                            Delete 
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Subject: Hi
From: monwantu
Sent Date: 5/10/2011 1:48:47 AM
Chat with monwantu
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
Yo why don’t u talk ;-(
Reply   |                            Delete 
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Subject: Hi
From: monwantu
Sent Date: 5/13/2011 5:15:46 PM
Chat with monwantu
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
Hey do u know English !
Reply   |                            Delete   
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Seriously? Okay then, let me display my English skills.
 
 
Subject: RE:Hi
To: monwantu
Sent Date: 5/13/2011 5:21:41 PM
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
Actually I am quite  proficient at the English language. I even know how to speak without  saying “yo” first, yo. I didn’t reply because I didn’t want to. That’s  how things work sometimes. Especially when people start their sentences  with “yo”. Bye yo.
Reply   |                            Delete
 
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Dear dear goddess… why is intelligence optional in us humans?
 
 
Subject: Hi
From: Kitchener123
Sent Date: 5/29/2011 7:13:44 PM
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
Sub?
Reply   |                            Delete
       
Of course you know I had to reply.
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Subject: RE:Hi
To: Kitchener123
Sent Date: 5/29/2011 7:39:43 PM
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
Retard?  🙂
Reply   |                            Delete
 
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I mean……. really?
 
 
Subject: Hey my dear
From: badblackboy
Sent Date: 6/6/2011 8:56:08 AM
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
hi there I am a  single african man living in hamilton. I am looking for a long term  relationship. If you think I am the right person shout me back so that  we can know each other.
Reply   |                            Delete      
 
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Subject: RE:Hey my dear
To: badblackboy
Sent Date: 6/6/2011 9:20:25 AM
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
First of all, I am not your dear. Second – how on earth would I know if you are the right  person without knowing you? Maybe you should go develop some social  skills before interacting online.
Reply   |                            Delete
 
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Bahahahah…. hahaha…hahahhaahaa!!!
 
 
 
Subject: Hi
From: galike
Sent Date: 6/18/2011 2:34:44 PM
 
View Profile
View All Messages
 
 
hi wanna party do u took
Reply   |                            Delete

“Took”…as in it took me two seconds to know I didn’t want to reply.
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Subject: Hi
From:                                          yesMaam_
Sent Date: 7/31/2011 4:37:43 PM
       View Profile     View All Messages    Chat with yesMaam_
 
are you dominant ?
 
>>>> I considered just blocking him – I decided to reply.
 
Subject: RE:Hi
To: yesMaam_
Sent Date: 7/31/2011 4:42:18 PM
       View Profile     View All Messages    
 
Okay, here’s a thought sunshine.  Rather than messaging random people on a REGULAR dating site and asking  them retarded and out of the blue questions (NOWHERE on my profile does  it say I am into bdsm on any level?), you should perhaps join Fetlife  and bug the members over there with your stupid questions, k?
 
 
Reply                         Delete                            

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